Nothing can prepare you for the news that your loved one, best friend, companion is leaving for a deployment. There are so many questions. I've never done this before...I've never wanted to do this before. To be honest, I don't want to do it now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel. Finding out was catastrophic. At least it felt that way for the first hour or so. As I'm sure everyone who has ever been in my position will agree, there are more emotions than I have ever experienced all at one time:
I'm sad (this is my boyfriend...my BEST FRIEND!).
I'm scared (shitless, if I do say so myself.).
I'm frustrated (why didn't you get out when you had the chance two months ago????).
I'm lonely (even though he doesn't leave for two weeks.).
I'm confused (what do I do for 6 months without him? Does life go on? Am I being unreasonable in the fact that, at this moment, all I want to do all I AM doing is crying?!).
And I'm a whole lot more things that I don't know right now. I am nothing if not honest, and right now I am beside myself. I have such a hard time trusting people, opening up to them, sharing my feelings...I love this person and now they're leaving. How do you say goodbye to someone you don't know if you'll ever see again? That is the one question I'd love to have answered. And not with the typical "Oh, honey, you just stay strong and know everything will be fine, of course!" NO. I do not feel strong, I do not know everything will be ok, and I DO NOT have a clue as to what I'm doing. I'll never have enough time, nor the right words, to express everything...what do I choose to tell him? What do I leave out, praying he'll come home so I can say it?
Certain things are causing so much pain. Like thinking we're going to miss celebrating his birthday, our first Christmas together will, ironically, be spent apart, he won't be here to cuddle with during the winter, I won't have my weekly movie date, and how will I communicate things that have happened? I am so used to discussing my day with him...I have taken that completely for granted. What was I thinking?? Oh yeah, that I'd have the rest of my life to answer that question every day after work. Now I'm looking at the possibility that that may never happen. How am I supposed to deal with this? I have no idea. I'm hoping writing about it will help. I am so in love with him and so scared. Time apart for (I don't know...relocation?) would be difficult, but possible. With the danger of a military deployment, time apart seems unbearable and impossible.
Just in case anyone ever reads this, I should mention that I've never dated someone in the military before and was extremely hesitant about starting this relationship. He thought he was done with deployments so there wouldn't be anything to worry about. Although I don't know a lot of things about this situation, I do know one thing: we're going to face this together.
"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will."
Jawaharal Nehru